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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

  1. #181
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here.."
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

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  3. #182
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    Star Wars fans, in case you didn't know,

    Yoda's last name is Ladyhoo.
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

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  5. #183
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    A London Solicitor parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

    As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

    More than a little distraught, the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

    Five minutes later, the police arrive.

    Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically.

    "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

    After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

    "I can't believe how materialistic you Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

    "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.

    The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

    The Solicitor looked down in horror.

    "Oh no!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex?"
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  7. #184
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Apparently there's a nudist convention in town later today. I may go if I've got nothing on.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  9. #185
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.

    The professor says, “I’d like a steak, medium-rare, and a bottle of Hock.”

    The waiter says, “A bottle of what?”

    The professor repeats, “Hock.”

    The waiter says, “What?”

    The professor responds, “Hock!”

    The waiter goes, “What?”

    The professor becomes irate and snaps “Hic, haec, hoc, hunc, hanc, hoc....."

    The waiter scampers from the table, tail between his legs.

    Ten minutes later, the waiter reappears with the steak, but no Hock.

    The professor, annoyed, asks, “Didn’t I order a bottle of Hock?”

    The waiter replies, “You did sir, but then you declined it.”
    Last edited by Ingélou; Jan-25-2019 at 22:39.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  11. #186
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ingélou View Post
    A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.
    Am afraid I am lost. Guess I should have studied harder in high school and taken a literature course. The only book I was required to read in high school, no kidding, was The Mouse and The Motorcycle.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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  13. #187
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    Am afraid I am lost. Guess I should have studied harder in high school and taken a literature course. The only book I was required to read in high school, no kidding, was The Mouse and The Motorcycle.
    Ah sorry - I saw this posted on another forum for older people & although I knew it might not suit everyone, I just couldn't resist it. For people of my age who went to grammar school, Latin was firmly on the curriculum. I found it useful, given that I became a teacher of English Language & Literature - but it couldn't have been all that useful to many school students, and did you really miss anything?

    I am often left puzzled myself - I don't get half of today's jokes because we don't have a TV or know about modern films or slang expressions. And sometimes, it's just that American humour is bewilderingly different from British.

    Still - thanks, OP. It's a great thread to cheer one up in the morning.
    Last edited by Ingélou; Jan-26-2019 at 09:56.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  15. #188
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

    The patient replies
    "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o the puddin race,
    Aboon them a ye take yer place,
    Painch, tripe or thairm,
    As langs my airm."

    Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds
    Some hae meat an canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat an we can eat,
    So let the Lord be thankit."

    Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

    "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
    O the panic in thy breasty,
    Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
    Wi bickering brattle."

    Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

    "No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  17. #189
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  19. #190
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ingélou View Post
    Ah sorry - I saw this posted on another forum for older people & although I knew it might not suit everyone, I just couldn't resist it. For people of my age who went to grammar school, Latin was firmly on the curriculum. I found it useful, given that I became a teacher of English Language & Literature - but it couldn't have been all that useful to many school students, and did you really miss anything?

    I am often left puzzled myself - I don't get half of today's jokes because we don't have a TV or know about modern films or slang expressions. And sometimes, it's just that American humour is bewilderingly different from British.

    Still - thanks, OP. It's a great thread to cheer one up in the morning.
    Glad I wasb't subjected to learning Latin. I once read a book by Dr. Ruth Beechick. She said that the rule to not end a sentence with a preposition is really not needed in English, that it was a carry over from Latin.

    I also missed (thankfully) having to memorize the entire catechism and explanations of it because my mother only went to Church on Easter and Christmas, if that. I heard stories about it. I joined the Church at the age of 24 and only had to take a 10-week adult information class (extremely inadequate, but what are they going to do with busy adults?).

    As for television, when I got married back in 1989, my wife asked if we could skip having a television. Since I loved books, it worked for me and so we have not watched television since 1989. Because of that, I consider myself culturally illiterate--and proud of the fact!
    Last edited by Fritz Kobus; Jan-26-2019 at 16:34.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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  21. #191
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorsetmike View Post
    Maybe someone start a new thread:


    Puzzling Jokes--see if you can figure them out.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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  23. #192
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

    The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

    "Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" states the banker proudly.

    The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

    "No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

    Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 kph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

    "What could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 kph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

    He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

    The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
    Last edited by Fritz Kobus; Jan-27-2019 at 05:09.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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  25. #193
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Wife - Do you want something to eat?

    Husband - what are the choices?

    Wife - yes and no
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  26. #194
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    As you know, I belong to a Historical Re-enactment Society.

    And last night, Arabella - my girlfriend and love of my life, surprised and delighted me by offering to polish up my medieval battle uniform whilst I went to the pub.

    She said she just fancied a night in, shining armour.
    Last edited by Ingélou; Jan-31-2019 at 17:19.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  28. #195
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

    The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get offa my cloud."

    And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get offa ma ewe."
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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