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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

  1. #211
    Senior Member RockyIII's Avatar
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    Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.

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  3. #212
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    What happens when you play ‘Bolero’ backwards?

    You become unRaveled...
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  5. #213
    Senior Member Pyotr's Avatar
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    Default Men Are Just Happier People!

    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier!
    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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  7. #214
    Senior Member RockyIII's Avatar
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    When I was growing up, plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now if you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

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  9. #215
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    At the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage. Intrigued, I asked the zookeeper for an explanation. Apparently it was bread in captivity.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  11. #216
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    I guess I’ll never understand teenagers. They talk a language that I'm sure has English words in it but I don’t understand anything they say.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  13. #217
    Senior Member RockyIII's Avatar
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    The fact there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

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  15. #218
    Senior Member Jacck's Avatar
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    An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.” One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
    Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
    Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
    The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
    Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
    Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
    The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
    Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
    Doctor: “But this is $500…”
    Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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  17. #219
    Senior Member Jacck's Avatar
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    “Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
    A reporter asked – “But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?” There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
    Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered, “We will land at night”.
    Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered – “What an idiot. There is no sun at night!”

  18. #220
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Why did Shakespeare write with ink? Because he couldn't decide which pencil to use - 2B or not 2B.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  19. #221
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

    "Maybe," the farmer replied.

    The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

    "Maybe," replied the old man.

    The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

    "Maybe," answered the farmer.

    The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

    "Maybe," said the farmer.
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

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  21. #222
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?

    Toot-and-come-in
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  22. #223
    Senior Member Clouds Weep Snowflakes's Avatar
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  24. #224
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    Nuns were repainting their chapel, but they kept getting paint on their clothes, so they decided to remove them since they were alone.

    They heard someone knocking at the door, and one of the nuns asked, "Who is it?" The man at the door answered, ''The blind man!' so the nuns decided to let him in. The nuns opened the door, and the man said, “Woah, oh sorry!, I've never seen a nun naked before,

    ….So ..where do you want these blinds?”
    Last edited by Luchesi; Mar-10-2019 at 18:13.
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

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  26. #225
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    tannoy from aircraft captain ..
    Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have had to shut down no4 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 3, but we will be 30 minutes late landing

    a short while later...

    tannoy from aircraft captain ..
    Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have now had to shut down no3 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 2, but we will be 60 minutes late landing

    a little while later ...

    tannoy from aircraft captain ..
    Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have now also had to shut down no2 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 1, but we will be 2 hours late landing


    voice from rear of cabin ...

    bejejus, if the other engine goes we'll be stuck up here all night
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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