Classical Music Forum banner

Some Really Silly Jokes

230K views 1K replies 115 participants last post by  Animal the Drummer 
#1 ·
How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
One - but it takes him nine years !

How many college Freshman does it take to change a lightbulb ?
They don't learn that untill their Sophomore year.

How many surrelaists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Fish !

Or : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two - one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored bicycles .

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanutbutter sandwich ?
A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

Why did the elephant cross the road ?
It was the chicken's day off !

What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig ? A hampire !

What goes tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... woof ? A watch dog !

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing !

What was Bach's favorite food ? Brandenburgers !

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
A church bell peals from the steeple , and a politician steals from the people.

It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .

Why are ducks the most overrated bird ? That's because they're not all they're
quacked up to be.

Did you hear about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch ?

Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese ?
When he was born, his parents had him circumcised at Behihana's !

Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?

Department of redundancy department.

Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?

We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !

A penny saved is a government oversight .

Out of my mind . .; . . . be back in 15 minutes .

Which classical CDs are on your Chopin Liszt ?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine ?
He's completely recovered now .

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
He got a little behind in his work.





Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !
 
See less See more
#436 ·
a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.
looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.
"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in switzerland.
the professor of mathematics replies: "dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. from our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in switzerland."
upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says: "dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".
"well, i guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.
that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.
after killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.
they hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out.
and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.
while they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.
the professor of philosophy greets him and says: "that is quite an interesting sheep you have here".
the farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells: "now you gotta be the stupidest motherfockers i met today. this is a goat you idiots."
 
G
#437 ·
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, computer engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are riding in a car and discuss their view of god. The electrical engineer starts. "Look at the human body, all controlled by electrical signals. God is an electrical engineer" The chemical engineer argues with him, "no, god is a chemical engineer. Each cell in the body is a chemical factory that effortlessly synthesizes extremely complex molecules." The computer engineer objects, "God is the greatest computer engineer that ever existed, the computational power of the brain dwarfs the combined computational power off all computers that have ever been manufactured." The mechanical engineer scoffs, "clearly you have no understanding of mechanical engineering. The muscular/skeletal structure of the human body is the most sophisticated machine ever created." Finally the civil engineer shakes his head and speaks. "Well, if god is a civil engineer, then he is incompetent. He put the waste disposal unit right in the middle of the entertainment center!"
 
#439 ·
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.
The question arises: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."
 
#443 ·
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town Had been successful in disciplining children, So she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, Ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, He asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

“We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
 
#444 · (Edited)
A newly-hired CEO arrives for work at a mid-range manufacturing company. The outgoing CEO is just leaving.

“Hi there! Good luck with your new job. To help out, I’ve left three envelopes for you in the top drawer of your desk. Whenever you hit a crisis point, just open one.”

The new guy responds, “Well, many thanks for that. I hope you have good luck too.” And so, they part.

A few weeks later, things are on the skids, employees are muttering darkly, and there’s talk about firing the new CEO. So he opens the first envelope and reads, “Blame it on the prior management.” He does so, and things get smoothed over.

Some time later, sales are down, profits are shrinking, and again the CEO finds himself in a very insecure position. So he opens the second envelope and reads, “Blame it on the economy.” And so he does, and again matters improve.

Another year passes. Workers are about to go on strike, profits have disappeared entirely, and their products are getting hammered by cheap imports. So he opens the third envelope and reads, “Prepare three envelopes…”
 
#448 ·
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....
 
#449 ·
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
 
#450 ·
Exerpts from a pets dictionary

DOG POUND: Used cur lot.

DOGS: The leashed of God’s creatures.

DOGSLEDS: Chariots of fur.

POLICE DOG: Squad cur.

OBEDIENCE SCHOOL DIPLOMA: Barkerlaurate.

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
 
#451 ·
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
 
#461 ·
I get the joke but, in fact, squirrels empty that kind of feeder as fast as they can eat.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ingélou
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top