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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

  1. #271
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A Marine Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, except one.

    The sergeant asked him "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

    The man replied: "Can't be bothered, Sarge."
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  3. #272
    Senior Member EddieRUKiddingVarese's Avatar
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    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
    Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
    He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
    "Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes"

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  5. #273
    Senior Member Barbebleu's Avatar
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    It's always a bit upsetting when your mother tells you that you were never her favourite child. Even more so when you don't have any brothers or sisters!!
    Last edited by Barbebleu; May-08-2019 at 19:32.
    Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate!

  6. #274
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Updated nursery rhyme

    Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
    kissed the girls and made them cry
    when the boys came out to play
    he kissed them too 'cos he was gay
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  8. #275
    Senior Member EddieRUKiddingVarese's Avatar
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    A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer
    "Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes"

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  10. #276
    Senior Member EddieRUKiddingVarese's Avatar
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    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    "Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes"

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  12. #277
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Three animals were having a huge argument, over who was the best.

    The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.

    The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength, none in the jungle dared to challenge him.

    The third, a skunk, insisted that he needed neither flight nor strength, to frighten off any creature.

    As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all - hawk, lion and stinker.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  14. #278
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    It's a long 'un but guaranteed to make you groan!

    A Rabbit Walks into a Bar...

    A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

    The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

    The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

    The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

    The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

    The rabbit looks aghast; the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

    The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

    The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

    "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

    .....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

    One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

    The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

    The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

    The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

    The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

    The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

    The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

    ___

    "I DIED", said the Rabbit.

    "NO!" said the barman, "what from".

    After a short pause, the rabbit said...

    "Mixin'-me-toasties".
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  15. #279
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    A man goes into the doctor.

    He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

    The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

    "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

    "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

    The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

    "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

    "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

    The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

    "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said.

    "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

    "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  17. #280
    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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  18. #281
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    here's an oldie - -

    In the 1890s, a pun variant version appeared in the magazine Potter's American Monthly;

    Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

  19. #282
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Or -

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Some Fowl reason
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  21. #283
    Senior Member Strange Magic's Avatar
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    Old joke about a man needing to get a grand piano up three flights of stairs. Tells friend about hiring a crew of strong men but having them fail. Meets friend later and tells them he did finally get the piano up the stairs by hitching a cat to it. "But how did you get a cat to haul a piano up three flights of stairs??" asks the friend. "Simple.", says the man. "I used a whip."

    I have cats, and love them dearly. But they didn't think the joke was funny.

  22. #284
    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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    Last edited by geralmar; May-27-2019 at 19:55.

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  24. #285
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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