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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

  1. #496
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Sorry if you've had this one before -

    It was St Valentine's Day in Auchengillan and Sandy McTavish, the local travel agent, was in a good mood. Bookings over the winter had been well up on the previous year and profits had been sky high. So when he looked out of his window and saw an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world, he experienced a rare feeling of generosity (and saw an opportunity for some free publicity in the local newspaper).

    He called the dejected couple in (out of the rain) and announced: "On your pension you could never hope to have a holiday abroad, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense - and I won't take no for an answer." He gave them two flight tickets and a room in a five star hotel in sun-drenched Tenerife for two weeks.

    About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. Sandy asked "And how did you like your holiday?" The old lady replied: "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely. I've come to thank you - but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
    Last edited by Ingélou; Nov-20-2019 at 10:39.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  3. #497
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Another joke from a Scottish Humour site:

    Malcolm, Murdo and Callum were sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

    Malcolm says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man - he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".

    Murdo nods and says, "That's lovely Malcolm. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'"

    Callum thinks for a moment and then says, "That's very nice, Murdo. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
    Last edited by Ingélou; Nov-20-2019 at 10:45.
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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  5. #498
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    And finally -

    Geordie had never paid much attention to his wife when she was alive but, surprisingly, he found after she passed away that he missed her a lot. He decided to go to a medium to see if he could contact her. During the seance, a breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly Geordie was sure he heard his wife's voice.

    "Maisie!" he cried. "Is that you?"

    "Aye, Geordie."

    "Are you happy?"

    "Aye, Geordie."

    "Happier than you were with me?"

    "Aye, Geordie...much happier!"

    "Then Heaven must be an amazing place."

    "I'm not in Heaven."
    ~ Mollie ~
    My fiddle my joy.

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    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    Once there was a pious Russian officer under the Czar who owned a parrot. The man used to pray aloud in front of the corner filled with icons. One day the man left a book on the table, that he had received as a present, and went out. When he came back, the remains of the book were found, completely torn and shred to pieces. Very angry the officer looked up at his parrot. He tried to catch the bird, shouting "I will kill you!" The parrot flew away and hid on top of the cupboard. "I will kill you!" All of a sudden the officer heard: "Lord Almighty, have mercy with me! Be merciful with your sinner!" For more than a hour this went on and on. After one hour the officer said: "Come down, sinner, you've been forgiven".
    All we like sheep

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    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    In the Yeshiva:
    - Monya, what do think, did Noah catch lots of fish when he was in the ark?
    - No, he had only two worms.
    All we like sheep

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  11. #501
    Senior Member Luchesi's Avatar
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    5.jpg

    Stravinsky on Webern:
    "Doomed to total failure in a deaf world of ignorance and indifference, he inexorably kept on cutting out his diamonds, his dazzling diamonds, of whose mines he had a perfect knowledge."
    Tradition is not the worship of ashes - but the preservation of fire!
    Gustav Mahler

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    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    - Solomon Markovich, what's your opinion about the novel custom that allows men to be present at the moment of birth?
    - No, I'm old fashioned. I rather allow men to be present at the moment of begetting.
    All we like sheep

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  15. #503
    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    All we like sheep

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    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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    Last edited by geralmar; Nov-28-2019 at 03:00.

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    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    (Source: The Atlantic)

    How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens? They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.
    ----------------------------------------
    Vladimir Putin is calling the White House, “Hello, Donald? I would like to discuss Ukraine with you.”

    Trump: “What’s Ukraine?”

    Putin: “Thanks, Donald!”
    --------------------------------------
    Putin opens the refrigerator and sees a plate of quivering gelatin,
    “Stop shaking!” Putin says.
    “I am only getting the milk.”
    All we like sheep

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  21. #506
    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    At the neighbor's a child was born. And now Isa has got his own Wailing Wall.
    All we like sheep

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    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and gets an ear-full from his wife.

    "You're late! You said you would be home by 11:45!" She yells.

    "Actually, I said I would be home by a quarter of 12," the mathematician replies coolly.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

    The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

    Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

    Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly. ‘

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

    Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

    Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  26. #509
    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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