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Some Really Silly Jokes

230K views 1K replies 115 participants last post by  Animal the Drummer 
#1 ·
How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
One - but it takes him nine years !

How many college Freshman does it take to change a lightbulb ?
They don't learn that untill their Sophomore year.

How many surrelaists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Fish !

Or : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two - one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored bicycles .

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanutbutter sandwich ?
A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

Why did the elephant cross the road ?
It was the chicken's day off !

What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig ? A hampire !

What goes tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... woof ? A watch dog !

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing !

What was Bach's favorite food ? Brandenburgers !

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
A church bell peals from the steeple , and a politician steals from the people.

It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .

Why are ducks the most overrated bird ? That's because they're not all they're
quacked up to be.

Did you hear about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch ?

Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese ?
When he was born, his parents had him circumcised at Behihana's !

Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?

Department of redundancy department.

Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?

We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !

A penny saved is a government oversight .

Out of my mind . .; . . . be back in 15 minutes .

Which classical CDs are on your Chopin Liszt ?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine ?
He's completely recovered now .

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
He got a little behind in his work.





Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !
 
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#1,072 ·
After much careful research, (and thanks to my source) it has been discovered that the artist Vincent van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were...

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
 
#1,075 ·
Sadly it’s pronounced in Dutch as Khokh with the kh like in the Scots word loch. ;)
 
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#1,083 · (Edited)
A Doberman, a Poodle and a Border Collie died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven

God asks them all three, what they believe in?

The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."

"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."

"Poodle, what do you believe in?" asked God.

The Poodle answers: "I believe in returning the love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."

"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."

Then he looked at the Border Collie: "And what do you believe in?"

The Border Collie stood there, looked at him for a moment and answered: "I believe you're sitting in my seat!"
 
#1,085 ·
A Doberman, a Poodle and a Border Collie died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven

God asks them all three, what they believe in?

The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."

"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."

"Poodle, what do you believe in?" asked God.

The Poodle answers: "I believe in returning the love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."

"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."

Then he looked at the Border Collie: "And what do you believe in?"

The Border Collie stood there, looked at him for a moment and answered: "I believe you're sitting in my seat!"
And God asked the cat "What do you believe in?"
The cat replied "None of your damned business" and walked off.
 
#1,084 ·
A boy questioned his father what he do for a living.
The dad replied, " Sweetie, I clean out the bank."
"Janitor or CEO?" the boy asked.
 
#1,092 ·
A man stranded on a desert island sees a boat wash up on the shore with a woman inside. The woman asks the man - How long have you been here?

A long time.

How long has it been since you had a cigar?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a box of Cuba's finest. How long has it been since you had a beer?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a bottle of ice cold beer. She looks at him coyly and asks - How long has it been since you played around?

You've got golf clubs on that boat?
 
#1,093 ·
A crazy millionaire said, "If you show me the blue giraffe, I'll give you a huge prize."

After it was broadcast to every country, there was a frenzy to claim the prize.

The British argued thoroughly whether such creatures really existed.

The Germans went to the library and leaf through the archives to see if such creatures really existed.

The Americans dispatched troops and dispatched them around the world to search for the giraffes.

The Japanese made blue giraffes by doing research on breeding day and night.

The Chinese went to buy blue paint.
 
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#1,095 · (Edited)
In Honour Of The 4th of July,

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved.

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

What do you call an American drawing?

Yankee doodle!

What is red, white, blue, and green?

A seasick Uncle Sam.

Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?

No, it was written in ink.

Why were the first Americans like ants?

They lived in colonies.

(dons tin hat and retires to a nuclear shelter)
 
#1,096 ·
Just joined a new football club that's got a female manager. Although I'm a little out of condition, I'm looking forward to it. the manager said that as Saturday will be my first game, she'd pull me off at half-time. At my old club, we only got oranges.
 
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