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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

  1. #751
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    Why isn't Wile E. Coyote never successful in his attempts to catch and subsequently eat the Road Runner?




    Because he isn't the real McCoyote

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    Senior Member pianozach's Avatar
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    What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A flat miner.

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    Senior Member SixFootScowl's Avatar
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    An Amishman’s Guide to Computer Lingo

    Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
    Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
    Windows: What to shut when it’s 30 below.
    Log On: Making the wood stove hotter.
    Hard Drive: Getting home during the mud season.
    Micro Chip: What are left in the bag when the chips are gone.
    Download: Getting the firewood off the wagon.
    Megahurtz: What you get when you’re not careful downloading.
    "Life is too short to spend it wandering in the barren Sahara of musical trash."
    --Sergei Vasilyevich Rachmaninoff

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  7. #754
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    I'm having a chicken and an egg delivered.

    Watch this space.

  8. #755
    Senior Member Flamme's Avatar
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    Raaawr
    'Listen, Mister god!
    Isn't it boring
    to dip your puffy eyes,
    every day, into a jelly of clouds?'

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  10. #756
    Senior Member Room2201974's Avatar
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    I put a world map up in the kitchen and then gave my wife a dart and said, "Honey, wherever the dart lands we are going there on a vacation as soon as the pandemic ends." So wish us luck on our upcoming two week vacation behind the refrigerator!
    Last edited by Room2201974; May-31-2020 at 15:58.
    I wrote a song about dental floss. Did anyone's teeth get cleaner? ~ Frank Zappa

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    Senior Member SixFootScowl's Avatar
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    7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
    After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
    From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
    'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
    'Yes,' the class said.
    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
    A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet isn’t empty.'


    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
    'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
    Last edited by SixFootScowl; Jun-01-2020 at 04:41.
    "Life is too short to spend it wandering in the barren Sahara of musical trash."
    --Sergei Vasilyevich Rachmaninoff

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  14. #758
    Senior Member SixFootScowl's Avatar
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    I’m reading a horror book in Braille.

    Something bad is going to happen.

    I can feel it.
    "Life is too short to spend it wandering in the barren Sahara of musical trash."
    --Sergei Vasilyevich Rachmaninoff

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    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    The number of jokes about coronavirus has reached worrying proportions -

    Scientists claim we are heading for a pundemic
    Last edited by Dorsetmike; Jun-04-2020 at 12:30.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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    Senior Member LezLee's Avatar
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  19. #761
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

    The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

    The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

    The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”

    The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

    “Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Give me her name and let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

    A week later the priest calls the man and says: “I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?”

    The man says yes, and the priest replies:

    “Take the poison!”
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  21. #762
    Senior Member Flamme's Avatar
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    While listening 2 some beautiful,wind, rain, thunders outside...

    A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

    oof

    I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life

    "That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
    'Listen, Mister god!
    Isn't it boring
    to dip your puffy eyes,
    every day, into a jelly of clouds?'

  22. #763
    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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    It's a variation on a bad joke except it happened when I was in elementary school. The class was studying the daily life of Indians before the white man. The teacher was describing the tools the braves carried in a small pouch for making arrowheads and starting camp fires.

    Teacher: "And do you know why the braves wore waistbands?
    Little girl: "To hold up their loincloths!"

  23. #764
    Senior Member Flamme's Avatar
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    They came 2 reclaim...
    'Listen, Mister god!
    Isn't it boring
    to dip your puffy eyes,
    every day, into a jelly of clouds?'

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  25. #765
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    I've decided that as from next week I am going to dress as a different type of bread each day......
    Roll on Monday!
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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