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Some Really Silly Jokes

230K views 1K replies 115 participants last post by  Animal the Drummer 
#1 ·
How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
One - but it takes him nine years !

How many college Freshman does it take to change a lightbulb ?
They don't learn that untill their Sophomore year.

How many surrelaists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Fish !

Or : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two - one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored bicycles .

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanutbutter sandwich ?
A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

Why did the elephant cross the road ?
It was the chicken's day off !

What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig ? A hampire !

What goes tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... woof ? A watch dog !

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing !

What was Bach's favorite food ? Brandenburgers !

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
A church bell peals from the steeple , and a politician steals from the people.

It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .

Why are ducks the most overrated bird ? That's because they're not all they're
quacked up to be.

Did you hear about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch ?

Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese ?
When he was born, his parents had him circumcised at Behihana's !

Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?

Department of redundancy department.

Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?

We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !

A penny saved is a government oversight .

Out of my mind . .; . . . be back in 15 minutes .

Which classical CDs are on your Chopin Liszt ?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine ?
He's completely recovered now .

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
He got a little behind in his work.





Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !
 
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#164 ·
A country squire was holding forth at the dinner table on the unmatched clarity and expressiveness of the English language. He picked up an implement from the setting before him, and displayed it grandly to all seated about. "Now the French", he said, nodding at the object in his hand, "call this a couteau. The Germans call it a Messer. The Spanish call it a cuchillo. But we English, we call it a knife, and, by Jove, that's just what it is!"
 
#172 ·
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

-----------------------
 
#177 ·
Written across the wall of the cave was a line of symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smartenough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left...

It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the *** on that chick".
 
#178 · (Edited)
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
 
#180 · (Edited)
A couple were both aged 95 years and had been married for 77 years.

Though they were far from rich still, they managed to get by, because the wife always carefully counted and watched their pennies as well as their pounds. And although not young, they were still both in extremely good health, largely due to the wife’s strict insistence on them only ever eating healthy foods and participating in tough daily exercise routines.

One day however, their long life of good health unfortunately didn't help to save them - when they finally went off on their first-ever vacation and, before they even got there, their plane crashed sending them straight off to Heaven.

Once they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter escorted them inside and took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in pure gold and fine silks - with a fully-stocked kitchen and a beautiful natural waterfall instead of a shower in the master bathroom. There was also a maid who was hanging up all of their favourite clothes in the closet, and they both gasped in astonishment when she said, 'Welcome to Heaven - this will be your home now'

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost? ... 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter replied, 'this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out of the window and, right there, he saw a championship golf course that was finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth ... 'Okay, what are the green fees?' grumbled the old man'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free every day.'

Next they went into the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine all laid out before them - from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts - and all accompanied too by free-flowing beverages. 'No, don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the old man, 'this is Heaven and so it is all completely free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and then glanced nervously at his wife ... 'But where are all of the low fat, low, cholesterol, sugar-free, high fibre foods and decaffeinated tea?' he asked. 'Ohhh, that's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or ever get sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'What? - no gym to work out at every day?' ... 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing of my blood sugar levels or blood pressure or ...' ... 'No, never again. All you have to do here is simply relax and enjoy yourself.'

The old man furiously glared at his beloved and devoted wife and screamed, 'You and your $!%?x&@ Bran Flakes!!! - but for you we could have been here years ago!!!'
 
#183 ·
A London Solicitor parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically.

"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.

The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The Solicitor looked down in horror.

"Oh no!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex?"
 
#185 · (Edited)
A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.

The professor says, “I’d like a steak, medium-rare, and a bottle of Hock.”

The waiter says, “A bottle of what?”

The professor repeats, “Hock.”

The waiter says, “What?”

The professor responds, “Hock!”

The waiter goes, “What?”

The professor becomes irate and snaps “Hic, haec, hoc, hunc, hanc, hoc....."

The waiter scampers from the table, tail between his legs.

Ten minutes later, the waiter reappears with the steak, but no Hock.

The professor, annoyed, asks, “Didn’t I order a bottle of Hock?”

The waiter replies, “You did sir, but then you declined it.”
 
#186 ·
A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.
Am afraid I am lost. Guess I should have studied harder in high school and taken a literature course. The only book I was required to read in high school, no kidding, was The Mouse and The Motorcycle.
 
#187 · (Edited)
Ah sorry - I saw this posted on another forum for older people & although I knew it might not suit everyone, I just couldn't resist it. For people of my age who went to grammar school, Latin was firmly on the curriculum. I found it useful, given that I became a teacher of English Language & Literature - but it couldn't have been all that useful to many school students, and did you really miss anything?

I am often left puzzled myself - I don't get half of today's jokes because we don't have a TV or know about modern films or slang expressions. And sometimes, it's just that American humour is bewilderingly different from British.

Still - thanks, OP. It's a great thread to cheer one up in the morning. :)
 
#188 ·
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
 
#192 · (Edited)
A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 kph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

"What could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 kph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
 
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