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Thread: Some Really Silly Jokes

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    Default Some Really Silly Jokes

    How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    One - but it takes him nine years !

    How many college Freshman does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    They don't learn that untill their Sophomore year.

    How many surrelaists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    Fish !

    Or : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    Two - one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
    brightly colored bicycles .

    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanutbutter sandwich ?
    A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

    Why did the elephant cross the road ?
    It was the chicken's day off !

    What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig ? A hampire !

    What goes tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... woof ? A watch dog !

    What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing !

    What was Bach's favorite food ? Brandenburgers !

    What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
    A church bell peals from the steeple , and a politician steals from the people.

    It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

    How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .

    Why are ducks the most overrated bird ? That's because they're not all they're
    quacked up to be.

    Did you hear about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch ?

    Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese ?
    When he was born, his parents had him circumcised at Behihana's !

    Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
    and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?

    Department of redundancy department.

    Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?

    We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !

    A penny saved is a government oversight .

    Out of my mind . .; . . . be back in 15 minutes .

    Which classical CDs are on your Chopin Liszt ?

    Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine ?
    He's completely recovered now .

    Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
    He got a little behind in his work.





    Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !

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    Awful!

    I think the fairly long ones with stupid puns are the best:

    There are these two onions - a male onion, and a female onion - just minding their own business, rolling along the street, when they bang into each other and somehow feel an instant rapport. Soon after, a torrential affair begins and they can't get enough of each other. After only a few days, the two love-struck onions consummate their love and soon decide to tie the knot; get together; make it legal - be married.

    Their union is blessed, as a little baby onion - a cocktail onion - is born. Of course, this meant the father had to put in extra time at the shipyard to make enough money to feed them all, and, mother onion - much encumbered with other work around the house - one day left the front door open, unintentionally letting the inquisitive baby onion roll out across the street, straight into the path of a huge lorry. He was crushed. Flattened out completely. Rushed to hospital straight away where a team of surgeons fought all night to save his life.

    As the mother onion was so distressed, she had to be sedated and so sat limply in the hospital corridor while the father onion rolled up and down frantically, wearing a deep groove in the hospital carpets. Towards dawn, the operating theatre doors flung open, and the surgeon rushed out, pulling the mask from his face, and dashing the perspiration from his eyes. He walked towards the father onion, who rolled up anxiously and said, "What? What?! Tell me what ... is he ... will he ... just tell me." The surgeon said gravely, "Don't worry, he'll live. But ... I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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    When Noah was finished building the Ark he gathered al the animals and began to lead them in. There were objections to the reptiles being allowed on board, so Noah cut down some trees, tied them together and put the reptiles on the raft which he had towed behind the Ark. When they had been sailing for several days the children were on deck and saw two snakes on the raft making love. Noah saw in this a wonderdul teaching opportunity and announced to the children. You see, Adders can multiply on a log table!

    Rob

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    Senior Member science's Avatar
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    Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

    ---

    Once in a tiny kingdom, I think it was in Germany but I'm not a historian, there was a count who stole the crown jewels and ran away with the queen. Somehow the queen actually got away with the jewels, but the count was caught. He refused to say where the jewels and the queen were, and as the king wanted them back he tortured the count, but to no avail. In desperation he put the count on the guillotine, threatening to cut his head off, but still the count refused. Ultimately, the king was forced to cut his head off. As the blade fell, the count shouted, "Ok, ok! I'll tell! I'll tell!" But it was too late.

    The moral of the story: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

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    Here is a joke of my own authorship:

    The killer had to kill the guy had to get for a $ 5 commission has adopted and takes Gun and lurks in August on the roof opposite the building and a second bathroom window and that cleans there in August which is near to kill him and he wanted to shoot but missed and he flees to the roof color, but it do not know it and falls into his apartment and getting to go on the roof wants to shoot but had only one bullet and jumps to near high voltage lines naked and holding a towel so that it is not balance and falls and does not move in August because thanks to the position of the towel is not fall is the balance and you can hear that police have already heard shoots and goes and the killer's time is limited because it does not jump is afraid and is not removed from bullets so naked female photo pockets and shows ago and he says HAHA and his dick is, and so it becomes and spoils the balance and prevail, and he falls down and dies

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    What happens when two potatoes get married? They have tater tots.

    They just opened up a Ripley's Believe it or not museum in China.
    Except there,it's called "Ripley's Believe It or else !"

    Where does a Marxist get buried ? In a communist plot !

    What is the funniest animal of all ? A stand up chameleon !

    Want to know how to confuse people? Walk into an antique shop and ask What's new ?"

    Tragic news. Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger were found shot to death in their
    homes yesterday. Police believe this to be the work of the cereal killer.

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    Senior Member presto's Avatar
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    I don’t know how true this is but I’ve always found it amusing-

    Someone asked Stravinsky if he had heard any of Arnold Schoenberg music, he answered-
    “ I think I stepped in some of it on the way here!”

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    Some of you have probably heard of this one:


    The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there is a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

    Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey, We need to get back!"

    "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time. So I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

    A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

    "Well, of course," said her companion. "don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

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    Some really silly jokes?

    John Cage, 4'33" ... hahaha ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by HarpsichordConcerto View Post
    Some really silly jokes?

    John Cage, 4'33" ... hahaha ...
    Go on! Somebody bite the bait!

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    Senior Member Meaghan's Avatar
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    Once there was a young conductor with more enthusiasm than control. When he got excited, he would wave his baton so furiously that it would sometimes fly right out of his hand. The last time this happened, the baton stuck in the head of the principal bassoonist and killed her.

    Following this incident, the conductor was tried for murder, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They strapped him into the electric chair and switched it on, but the conductor was unharmed. So they accessed the city's power grid and rerouted all the power into the chair. Still, the conductor was fine. It was as if the electricity wasn't passing through him. So they rerouted all the country's power into the chair. The conductor confessed it did tickle a bit.

    They still haven't figured out what to do with him. I guess it's true what people always said--he's just a bad conductor.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Meaghan View Post
    Once there was a young conductor with more enthusiasm than control. When he got excited, he would wave his baton so furiously that it would sometimes fly right out of his hand. The last time this happened, the baton stuck in the head of the principal bassoonist and killed her.

    Following this incident, the conductor was tried for murder, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They strapped him into the electric chair and switched it on, but the conductor was unharmed. So they accessed the city's power grid and rerouted all the power into the chair. Still, the conductor was fine. It was as if the electricity wasn't passing through him. So they rerouted all the country's power into the chair. The conductor confessed it did tickle a bit.

    They still haven't figured out what to do with him. I guess it's true what people always said--he's just a bad conductor.
    The obscurity, morbidity, low-level science, and incredibly bad pun makes that joke perfect!

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    One of my favorite "music jokes," that is, funny things related to the music world, was when Stravinsky was shown how his music from his The Rite of Spring was to be utilized in Disney's Fantasia. The cartooners showed him the pictures of the fighting and dying dinosaurs and volcanoes, to which he remarked whimsically, "Ah! That's what I must have had in mind all along!" That always puts a smile on my face to think about.
    "Music is an art, and art is forever. Music should not succumb to fashion, which is passing and forgotten."
    Glazunov


    Join TC's Official Russian Composer Fanclub!

    Oh, and, here's my professional website!

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    One lady in the butchers was to short to get the meat she wanted to buy off the top shelf.

    She asked another man to try and get it for her.

    "I'm afraid not Mrs" He responded.

    "But why?" she said. He replied:

    "The steaks are too high"

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    See this post:
    What are your favorite non organic cuisines?

    What are your favorite non organic cuisines? The answer is open to interpretation, and in the link is mine, my question, my interpretation.

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