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Thread: The most incredibly lame classical music jokes

  1. #226
    Junior Member lorelei's Avatar
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    C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

    E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.”

    Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

    Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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  3. #227
    Junior Member lorelei's Avatar
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    Just heard this one:

    Knock knock
    who's there
    Phillip Glass
    Knock knock
    who's there
    Phillip Glass
    Knock knock
    who's there
    Phillip glass
    (etcetera)
    Last edited by lorelei; Jan-26-2013 at 01:31.

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  5. #228
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    ^^ "Philip" Glass (I'm sensitive to spelling people's names correctly; nothing is more personal than one's name)

    Q) What do you throw a drowning violist?
    A) His viola!

    Q) Why is the viola the most important instrument in the orchestra?
    A) Every group needs someone to make fun of.

    Q) How do you tune a viola?
    A) Apparently, no one knows.

    The violists were having a hard time with a section of one of the pieces we were learning, so the conductor said we could rest a bit while he worked on it with them. They played it more slowly, but still they were all over the place. So he put down his baton and clapped the rhythm for them, alone a couple of times, then he invited them to play while he clapped. Gradually he got them together, so he resumed conducting, first with his hands, then was able to change to using his baton. After a couple more run-throughs, he got them up to something approaching the target speed and I have to say it was beginning to sound great.
    He turned to all of us and said "What we have been doing here is called practising - please all of you try to find some time to do this at home!"

    Advertisement:
    Established string quartet requires two violinists and a cellist.
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  7. #229
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Have enjoyed this particular classic comic for years and never before noted that Calvin was playing classical music...
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  9. #230
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Performing the cadenza:

    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  11. #231
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    In time for Valentine's Day:
    Musical Pick-up Lines

    Hey there. You must be the fifth scale degree of the diatonic scale, because you're always dominant in my thoughts.

    Hey baby, are you a C major scale? Because you look all-natural to me.

    You must be augmented because my love your you won't diminish.

    I can help you out with some alternate fingerings if you want.

    I hear you’re a second bass. Want to go to third with me?

    You make my heart go staccato.

    The tempo of my heart changes from adagio to allegro whenever you walk into the room.

    Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

    Composers know how to score.

    You must be either a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect.

    Baby, if I was V7, you would be my I, because without you, I'm incomplete.

    It's true, baby, I may have treated other girls to a deceptive cadence in the past. But for you, it'll be V to I.

    I've got a grand staff, so you'll need both hands on me.

    Baby, you’d better lower your pitch, ‘cause right now, you’re lookin’ sharp!

    More here, including a selection slightly more risque:
    http://musicalpickups.tumblr.com/master_list
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  13. #232
    Senior Member jani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunasong View Post
    In time for Valentine's Day:
    Musical Pick-up Lines

    Hey there. You must be the fifth scale degree of the diatonic scale, because you're always dominant in my thoughts.

    Hey baby, are you a C major scale? Because you look all-natural to me.

    You must be augmented because my love your you won't diminish.

    I can help you out with some alternate fingerings if you want.

    I hear you’re a second bass. Want to go to third with me?

    You make my heart go staccato.

    The tempo of my heart changes from adagio to allegro whenever you walk into the room.

    Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

    Composers know how to score.

    You must be either a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect.

    Baby, if I was V7, you would be my I, because without you, I'm incomplete.

    It's true, baby, I may have treated other girls to a deceptive cadence in the past. But for you, it'll be V to I.

    I've got a grand staff, so you'll need both hands on me.

    Baby, you’d better lower your pitch, ‘cause right now, you’re lookin’ sharp!

    More here, including a selection slightly more risque:
    http://musicalpickups.tumblr.com/master_list
    The moment when you try to use these while you are chatting with a person who isn't a musician.
    Winning!
    I have on gear, GO!
    Epic winning!
    Do you love Ludwig Van Beethovens music?
    Does his life-story/music inspire you?
    Can you strongly relate to the emotions on his music?


    If you answered positively to all those questions, we have just found the right place for you!
    The only and THE GREATEST LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN FAN CLUB IN TC!!!
    JOIN NOW!!!
    http://www.talkclassical.com/groups/...an-shrine.html

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  15. #233
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    Quote Originally Posted by Klavierspieler View Post
    What was Beethoven doing in his grave?
    Decomposing!

    YOHOHO!
    The way I heard it it was:

    2 guys are walking through a graveyard in vienna, when suddenly they hear "DUUUUM-DA-DA-DA".
    One asks the other "What the heck is that?"
    The other guy replied "Oh that's just Beethoven decomposing."

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  17. #234
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Last edited by Lunasong; Feb-02-2013 at 23:05. Reason: fixed link
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  19. #235
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Top Ten Reasons to play the Bassoon.

    10. Some people consider it a phallic symbol
    9. You can blow up a balloon by attaching it to the bell.
    8. It makes a great kendo stick.

    7. It can be used as a cattle prod.
    6. The big end works great as a shop vac.
    5. If you’ve lost your bong, you have it made.
    4. If you cross an onion with a bassoon, you get music that brings tears to your eyes.
    3. It works great as a crutch.
    2. If you put the big end up against the wall, you can hear what the people in the other room are saying.
    .
    .
    .
    1. It looks awesome on the gun rack of your pickup.

    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  21. #236
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.

    Hydrogen, Gold, Terbium, Oxygen, Iodine, and Sulphur couldn’t think of the French word for oboe. Unbeknownst to them, it was HAuTbOIS.

    Q) What do you call a Spanish cat who plays the French horn?
    A) Le gato!

    I hear you rented some music equipment. I bet you had a one-night stand.



    Orchestra strokes; band blows.

    Is it racist that white notes are worth more than black notes?

    How to play scales on the French horn:
    1) Take out horn.
    2) Cry.
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  23. #237
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Q: What's the difference between a euphonium and a drink machine?
    A: With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.

    Q: What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
    A: A treble clef baritone.

    baritone n: 1. vocal: someone who didn't make it as either a tenor or a bass; 2. instrumental: someone who didn't make it as either a tuba or a trombone; 3. a tuba that shrunk in the wash; 4. a trombone with taste; 5. an easier spelling of the word "euphonium."

    euphonium n: a baritone that knows somebody

    Top five reasons NOT to play the euphonium:
    5: Not being allowed to play in a jazz band or a full orchestra.
    4: Having to explain the differences between a baritone and a euphonium when you're really not sure yourself.
    3: Having to hit both really high notes and really low notes.
    2: Having to explain why your "tuba" is smaller than the rest.
    1: No one knows what the heck it is.
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  25. #238
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

  26. #239
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  28. #240
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
    Violins have strings.
    Fiddles have STRANGS.

    In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

    ***
    A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped a genie. "Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.

    "Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."

    The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and, ah, the kids, ah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."

    "Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."

    The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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