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Thread: The most incredibly lame classical music jokes

  1. #241
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunasong View Post

    In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.
    OOOOOOH Burn!
    "Music is an art, and art is forever. Music should not succumb to fashion, which is passing and forgotten."
    Glazunov


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  3. #242
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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    Senior Member peeyaj's Avatar
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    Schubert manages that most supreme of feats, to be melancholy without being maudlin, his pain is not a mockery of pain but truly heartfelt, and he manages to pass that though with all of its complexities in his music.

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  6. #244
    Senior Member peeyaj's Avatar
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    Note: All images are with their respective copyright.
    Schubert manages that most supreme of feats, to be melancholy without being maudlin, his pain is not a mockery of pain but truly heartfelt, and he manages to pass that though with all of its complexities in his music.

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  8. #245
    Senior Member jani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peeyaj View Post





    [/img]

    Note: All images are with their respective copyright.
    hahaha.....
    Winning!
    I have on gear, GO!
    Epic winning!
    Do you love Ludwig Van Beethovens music?
    Does his life-story/music inspire you?
    Can you strongly relate to the emotions on his music?


    If you answered positively to all those questions, we have just found the right place for you!
    The only and THE GREATEST LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN FAN CLUB IN TC!!!
    JOIN NOW!!!
    http://www.talkclassical.com/groups/...an-shrine.html

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    AND



    Note: All images are within their respective copyright.
    Schubert manages that most supreme of feats, to be melancholy without being maudlin, his pain is not a mockery of pain but truly heartfelt, and he manages to pass that though with all of its complexities in his music.

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    Note: All images are within their respective copyright.
    Schubert manages that most supreme of feats, to be melancholy without being maudlin, his pain is not a mockery of pain but truly heartfelt, and he manages to pass that though with all of its complexities in his music.

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  13. #248
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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    What's the difference between a French horn player and a Scud missle ?
    The Scud missle is more accurate .

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  17. #250
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Commandments of Playing French Horn

    1. Thou art always right. Always.
    2. To show that thy instrument is indeed the best, proceed to showing the low brass that thou canst play in their range.
    Then quickly proceed to showing up the trumpets in the high octaves.
    3. If thou art playing less than FFFFFF, thou art wrong.
    4. When warming up, make sure thou randomly squeel’st notes never written.
    5. Thou must perform “American Overture” while playing FFFFFFFF.
    6. Thou must not mingle with saxes. For they are beneath thee.
    7. Thou must memorize Mozart. For He is God, and His work the Bible.
    8. When thy conductor says “bring out the moving lines”, thy half notes are STILL more important.
    9. Thou must always play with epic air. Anything less makes thou a trumpet, and a poor one at that.
    10. Thou art never “support” to a soloist, but rather the only interesting thing going on.
    11. Thy solo NEVER needs backup. If it does, thou art not playing well enough.
    12. If backup is written in the score, thou may’st bitchslap the composer.
    13. Dump thy spit into trumpet cases.
    14. Thou must be arrogant. For thou art required in every type of ensemble (Band, brass choir, woodwind choir, orchestra, etc)
    15. Horn women are hot, and should be worshipped.
    16. Ugly horn women are actually trumpet players in disguise. Kill them and dispose of the bodies.
    17. If thy conductor proceeds to make the horn players play offbeats, thou must pwn said offbeats and then complain loudly about how the trombones and trumpets never seem to get them right.
    18. Horn rips are written when the composer had nothing better for you to do. FFFFFF is bare minimum.
    19. Thou must respect thy 4th players. For whilst they may not be as good as thou art, they are playing horn.
    20. Thou shalt play whole notes louder than the tubas, for thou art better.
    21. Thou shalt make friends with the trombones. When world domination occurs, they are by far the best bet for slave labor.
    22. Thou mustn’t worship the euphoniums for they are unimportant.
    23. Thou shalt come in loudly, even if thou comest in on the wrong partial.
    24. Sousa is the devil.
    25. Russian composers will make thee go low. Thou must be prepared to be the root for the tubas.
    26. Thou mustn’t refer to thyself as “French Hornist”…or anything with “French” in it…for thou art not gay.
    27. Thou must always sound like pure sex whilst playing.
    28. Thou shalt have a social life.
    29. Thou shalt harmonize parts whenever it pleases thee.
    30. Thou shalt spend 30 minutes preparing thy instrument for playing, and even longer when it needs bathing.
    31. Thou shall not date flute players, for they are inferior.
    32. Thou shall make companions of bassoonists and oboists, for this is how it has been since time began.
    33. Thou must be thy band director’s favourite.
    34. Thou must be louder than the alto saxophones.
    35. Thou must avoid talking to all forms of saxophones for they are inferior.



    Plot Twist: Horns get the melody, woodwinds play offbeats.

    I’m pretty sure the French horn has all the parts MacGyver needs to defuse a bomb.



    Q) What’s the difference between a trumpet player and a horn player?
    A) Trumpet players think they are a gift from God and horn players know it.

    French horn: 99 problems, but a reed ain’t one.

    The French horn is like a woman: beautiful, curvaceous, and filled with tubes I don’t understand.
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunasong View Post
    31. Thou shall not date flute players, for they are inferior.
    UMMMM...

    I have a problem with that
    "Music is an art, and art is forever. Music should not succumb to fashion, which is passing and forgotten."
    Glazunov


    Join TC's Official Russian Composer Fanclub!

    Oh, and, here's my professional website!

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  21. #252
    Senior Member peeyaj's Avatar
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    Schubert manages that most supreme of feats, to be melancholy without being maudlin, his pain is not a mockery of pain but truly heartfelt, and he manages to pass that though with all of its complexities in his music.

  22. #253
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "I play the horn!"

    "Which one?"

    "Oh, you know, the French horn."

    "Oh, okay, what does it look like?"

    "Um... you've definitely seen it... it's the one with all the loops... it's the instrument that plays (hums Flight of the Valkyries).."

    "Oooh yeah, that's the one where when you play it you get spit on your hand!"

    "..... Yeah."



    Hornists, forever doomed to be known as the saliva-covered brass players. -_-
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  24. #254
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    Actually,it's not saliva, but condensation . Air circulating through brass instruments causes water to condense inside .

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  26. #255
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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