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Thread: The most incredibly lame classical music jokes

  1. #676
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    The Part Effect: Child develops a love for minimalism, speaks with long periods of silence and carefully chooses his words.

    The Tchaikovsky Effect: Child develops a love for fairy tales and is sometimes bombastic in speaking.

    The Satie Effect: Like the Cage effect except child develops a wicked sense of humour as well. Sometimes he talks nonsense and has a great imagination.
    Last edited by sangg; May-10-2014 at 10:18.

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  3. #677
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    Radio disc jockeys are never supposed to leave the station unattended, but the late-night DJ at the classical station had to pick up his girl friend at the airport so he put on a CD of the first act of Die Meistersinger, locked up the station, jumped in his car and drove off. He got back -- he thought -- just in time to change the disc, but discovered to his horror that the CD was skipping and had repeated the 11th bar of the overture over and over again for 57 minutes. Thinking fast, he s-l-o-w-l-y faded down the volume and then announced, "That was Symphony Number 7 by Philip Glass."
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  5. #678
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    I found something. Lame? Yes. But you'll still probably laugh.

    http://www.last.fm/group/Partei+f%C3...7665/_/2225200

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    ALLREGRETTO
    When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo.


    ANGUS DEI
    To play with a divinely beefy tone


    A PATELLA
    Accompanied by knee-slapping


    APPOLOGGIATURA
    A composition that you regret playing


    APPROXIMATURA
    A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude


    APPROXIMENTO
    A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch


    CACOPHANY
    A composition incorporating many people with chest colds


    CORAL SYMPHONY
    A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean Period


    DILL PICCOLINI
    An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes


    FERMANTRA
    A note held over and over and over and over and . . ..


    FERMOOTA
    A note of dubious value held for indefinite length


    FIDDLER CRABS
    Grumpy string players


    FLUTE FLIES
    Those tiny mosquitos that bother musicians on outdoor gigs


    FRUGALHORN
    A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument


    GAUL BLATTER
    A French horn player


    GREGORIAN CHAMP
    The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest


    GROUND HOG
    Someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let anyone else play it


    PLACEBO DOMINGO
    A faux tenor


    SCHMALZANDO
    A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band


    THE RIGHT OF STRINGS (apologies to Stravinsky)
    Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists


    SPRITZICATO
    An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound


    TEMPO TANTRUM
    What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor


    TROUBLE CLEF
    Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists


    VESUVIOSO
    An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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  9. #680
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    Quote Originally Posted by arcaneholocaust View Post
    I found something. Lame? Yes. But you'll still probably laugh.
    I did laugh at the introduction:
    The following is a list of renowned but undeservedly extolled classical music promoted by godless pseudo-experts and enshrined universally after generations of dumbing, mass propaganda:

    The list itself is a posting of accessible, universally enjoyed music that is a nice entry point for a novice to learn more about the genre. To call it "unworthy" is a bit pretentious.
    Last edited by Lunasong; May-17-2014 at 17:52.
    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

  10. #681
    Senior Member KenOC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunasong View Post
    I did laugh at the introduction:
    The following is a list of renowned but undeservedly extolled classical music promoted by godless pseudo-experts and enshrined universally after generations of dumbing, mass propaganda:

    The list itself is a posting of accessible, universally enjoyed music that is a nice entry point for a novice to learn more about the genre. To call it "unworthy" is a bit pretentious.
    The humor is a bit dry...and somebody should tell the listmeister that Beethoven's Op. 131 is not a piano sonata.


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  12. #682
    Senior Member Lunasong's Avatar
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    "To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse." Jack Daney

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    Quote Originally Posted by sangg View Post
    The Part Effect: Child develops a love for minimalism, speaks with long periods of silence and carefully chooses his words.

    The Tchaikovsky Effect: Child develops a love for fairy tales and is sometimes bombastic in speaking.

    The Satie Effect: Like the Cage effect except child develops a wicked sense of humour as well. Sometimes he talks nonsense and has a great imagination.
    I found another great list on the internet, here.

    Some of my own:

    Rimsky-Korsakov Effect: Child speaks with exotic accents and has inclination toward the sea and Middle/Far East, but is overall very intelligent in their wording and phrasing.

    Liadov Effect: Child develops ADD but not hyperactivity. Whimsical, and never gets any work done, preferring to continually daydream instead.

    Glazunov Effect: Child is hard worker, attentive learner, but tends to be shy and so is a better writer than speaker. Speech is blunt, but writing is very verbose, although in perfectly formed sentences.
    "Music is an art, and art is forever. Music should not succumb to fashion, which is passing and forgotten."
    Glazunov


    Join TC's Official Russian Composer Fanclub!

    Oh, and, here's my professional website!

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    "If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music." Gustav Mahler

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