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Thread: Stupidest jokes (must be short and seemly)

  1. #1021
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    I am old school (CDs and before that vinyl) and I always thought it would be difficult to download music, but I just downloaded John Cage's 4'33". It was easy. There was nothing to it.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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  3. #1022
    Senior Member JeffD's Avatar
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    I have a magic dog. Its a Labracadabrador.
    How did I become a senior member? I only recently figured out where the restrooms are.

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  5. #1023
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

    Doctor said I had a weak stomach, but I threw up further than anyone else.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  6. #1024
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    What's brown and sticky?

    A brown stick.

  7. #1025
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    What did 0 say to 8?

    Nice belt.

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  9. #1026
    Senior Member KenOC's Avatar
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    Q What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

    A The seamstress tucks up the frills.


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  11. #1027
    Senior Member KenOC's Avatar
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    Some years back, the Americans developed a high-velocity gas-powered gun to test the airworthiness of airplane windscreens when struck by large birds (true). The gun would fire a chicken -- dead of course -- at the windscreens to see what damage ensued.

    The British airplane safety authority, hearing about this, requested plans for the gun. They soon contacted the Americans: “We tried the gun but the bird pierced the windscreen, took off the back of the pilot’s chair, went right through the bulkhead like butter, and damaged sixteen passenger seats from first class right back into coach. What are we doing wrong?”

    The Americans discussed this and finally cabled, “Next time, thaw the chicken.”


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  13. #1028
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

    He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

    So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,


    "How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

    The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....

    This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  15. #1029
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    I used to love farm vehicles, but not any more - I'm an ex-tractor fan
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  17. #1030
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A man asks his elderly father what his secret was for living such a long life. "I'll tell you son, "says the the old man,"every morning I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal". The man follows this advice and amazingly it works and when he eventually dies at the age of 100, he leaves 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a 15 foot diameter hole in the wall of his local crematorium.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  19. #1031
    Senior Member Robert Pickett's Avatar
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    What's large and green and has six legs and kills you when it jumps out of a tree?

    A snooker table.

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  21. #1032
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
    When finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

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  23. #1033
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A man bought a cup of coffee, drank it, and said, “This taste like mud!” “Of course,” said the chef, “it was ground this morning.”
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  24. #1034
    Senior Member Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?
    She had to buy a duet yourself kit.

    Q: What happened to the guy who fell through a harp?
    A: He is in the hospital; rooms 25 to 40.
    I'm like my avatar .................. a local ruin

  25. #1035
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    Why doesn't 6 like 7?

    7 8 9

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