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Thread: Isn't it very difficult to stick to one girl all your life till the death?

  1. #31
    Senior Member Strange Magic's Avatar
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    Lust. Limerence. Love. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov published a ground-breaking book titled Love and Limerence. She defined limerence as that state of infatuation and obsession with another person sometimes variously described as falling head over heels in love or, as in The Godfather, The Thunderbolt. Tolstoy knew about limerence: he describes the state perfectly when Anna Karenina falls in love with Vronsky.. The key statement of limerence is "I am in love with X.". The key statement of love is 'I love X.". Anyone who is susceptible to limerence (I certainly am) knows immediately what Tennov is describing in her masterful book. A curious thing is her research showed that (only) about half of the general population experiences limerence, and I wonder if this correlates with similar findings that (only) half of the general population experiences chills and thrills/gooseflesh when hearing, seeing, or reading certain "thrilling" passages/images in music, books, etc. Aside from gross incompatibility, what can split a marriage are either simple sexual lust (assuming a non-limerent person wandering out of the relationship) or limerence, when one of the parties becomes limerent toward an outsider and the feeling is reciprocated with either lust or limerence).

    Tennov tentatively theorized that limerence and the very strong attractive force or bond that characterizes it, evolved in humans to bind a couple together tightly enough to for the woman to conceive and bear a child and for the limerent couple to stay bonded long enough for the child to be nurtured for the key critical early 1-3 years, while the limerence binding its parents together evolves and matures into love. Think of limerence as Crazy Glue, and love as slow-curing epoxy. Tennov's work was and remains speculative, and certain questions remain. Tennov recognized this however and called her work such, and hoped Love and Limerence would be a catalyst for further research. But as I posted above, anyone who has personally experienced The Thunderbolt--falling quickly and deeply in love--will immediately see the accuracy of Tennov's thesis.

    I personally recognized and understood the state of limerence I found myself in on several occasions, and when I married, I understood that one had to choose which path to follow. 56 years of marriage to the same woman is the fruit of following my particular path, and it gets easier with every passing decade. So it is quite possible to stick with one girl for most of one's life, but for those of you (and me) susceptible to limerence, it hasn't been always easy.
    Last edited by Strange Magic; Dec-02-2018 at 05:55.

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  3. #32
    Senior Member Pat Fairlea's Avatar
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    It can't be that difficult. Mrs Pat and I will reach our 43rd anniversary in a few weeks. And we don't do 'difficult'.

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  5. #33
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    OP: Seriously:I've been married to the same lady since 1987. We are both very different-she-craving people and hence, extroverted; myself-the complete opposite-finding in my music, almost complete fulfillment; and yet we get along very well, despite our differences. We "understand" each other. We have a big house-she's usually on the phone or Facetime with family and friends or cooking-she loves to cook and I am the lucky beneficiary. I can usually be found in a third bedroom converted into a music listening room. We occasionally "clash", but always manage to resolve "disagreements" quickly.
    Successful relationships require work. It's not easy. Men and women are wired very differently and hence see things differently.

    This is my second marriage and I thank the Benevolent Lord for sending this wonderful woman to me.

    OP: Good luck in finding and holding on to "The One".
    Last edited by hpowders; Dec-02-2018 at 14:46.
    Facts don't care about your feelings.

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  7. #34
    Senior Member MacLeod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by atsizat View Post
    Isn't it very difficult to stick to one girl all your life till the death?
    Not quite able to say yet - AFAIK, Death is not immediately on the horizon, though it might be just around the corner, if you know what I mean.

    In one sense, it's been very easy. Met in 1982 (I was 23, she was 21), courted in 1983, married in 1984. Once we got started, it all seemed the right thing to do. I would be lying if I were to say that I've never looked at another woman, but I can't foresee any change in my marital status.
    "I left TC for a hiatus, but since no-one noticed my absence, I came back again."

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  9. #35
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    I would add to that list: tedious, expensive, frustrating, patience-testing, heart-breaking, hit-your-head-against-the-wall wonderful experience there is. We have been working on this for 5 years in one form or another. We finally are in the final home stretch (2 weeks until it is finalized), and would be more excited if we weren't stuck in a very small town in Eastern Hungary with below freezing temperatures. But even knowing what it would be like, I'd still do it.

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  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    To stick with one girl all your life you must be wise in choosing and both of you must be committed to God's standard of lifelong union. It helps if she is good looking, helpful, forgiving, caring, etc.--and a good cook!
    The problem is, I am agnostic. The word God doesnt mean much to me if we go with religion.

  12. #37
    Senior Member Room2201974's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    both of you must be committed to God's standard of lifelong union.
    Yeah, like Michal and David.
    "He who makes songs without feeling spoils both his words and his music. " ~ Guillaume de Machaut

    "It is insulting to address anyone in a language which they do not understand." ~ Benjamin Britten

  13. #38
    Senior Member Art Rock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by atsizat View Post
    The problem is, I am agnostic. The word God doesnt mean much to me if we go with religion.
    Only for religious people there is a strong connection between faith and marriage. For the rest of us, marriage is a commitment to one another, preferably for life, recorded by the state for practical purposes.
    Und Morgen wird die Sonne wieder scheinen......

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  15. #39
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    Long term marriages have to survive through the several passages of life: the years of establishing ourselves in our vocations, the years of rearing children, the years of retirement. As we age and go through these passages, we are likely not the same people we were when we first met. One of the principles that helped our relationship survive is: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.

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  17. #40
    Senior Member MacLeod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    To stick with one girl all your life you must be wise in choosing and both of you must be committed to God's standard of lifelong union.
    God's standards don't figure in our marriage and that's not proved a problem thus far.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    It helps if she is good looking, helpful, forgiving, caring, etc.--and a good cook!
    It also helps if you think about who you are and what you can bring to the union - what's your contribution!?
    "I left TC for a hiatus, but since no-one noticed my absence, I came back again."

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  19. #41
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fritz Kobus View Post
    ... It helps if she is good looking, helpful, forgiving, caring, etc.--and a good cook!
    Quote Originally Posted by MacLeod View Post
    It also helps if you think about who you are and what you can bring to the union - what's your contribution!?

    I don't know what FritzK is going to say, but - since I took his 'requirements for a wife' to be a joke - I would say that he brings a good sense of humour.

    You've got me wondering what I bring to our marriage - certainly not good looks or good cooking, but I am quite enthusiastic & enjoy word games.
    Last edited by Ingélou; Dec-03-2018 at 19:30.
    My fiddle my joy.

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  21. #42
    Senior Member MacLeod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ingélou View Post
    I took his 'requirements for a wife' to be a joke
    Me too. My italicising of 'you' was about 'you' generically. I wasn't meaning to point at Fritz specifically.
    Last edited by MacLeod; Dec-03-2018 at 19:30.
    "I left TC for a hiatus, but since no-one noticed my absence, I came back again."

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  23. #43
    Senior Member Ingélou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacLeod View Post
    Me too. My italicising of 'you' was about 'you' generically. I wasn't meaning to point at Fritz specifically.
    Ah, sorry!
    My fiddle my joy.

  24. #44
    Senior Member Fritz Kobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacLeod View Post
    Me too. My italicising of 'you' was about 'you' generically. I wasn't meaning to point at Fritz specifically.
    I missed the italics also, but that part was meant tongue-in-cheek. What do I bring? I don't know. Ask my wife. She is still with me. Must be the money.
    Last edited by Fritz Kobus; Dec-03-2018 at 19:49.
    "All of Italian opera can be heard in [Bellini's] "Ah! non creda [mirarti]."
    --Renata Scotto in "Scotto, More Than a DIva."

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