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Thread: Stupidest jokes (must be short and seemly)

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    Senior Member KenOC's Avatar
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    Default Stupidest jokes (must be short and seemly)

    A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.

    Bartender says, "Why certainly sir, but...did you notice you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"

    Pirate says, "Arghhh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"

    I lied about the seemly part.


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    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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    From a Bob Hope TV special, early 1960s:

    "Do I smell punk?"
    "No, you smell fine to me."

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    Senior Member SeptimalTritone's Avatar
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    What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

    "See you next month!"

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    Senior Member aleazk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SeptimalTritone View Post
    What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

    "See you next month!"
    My reaction: Uh? I don't get it... (1 second later) Oh! (mental image), jeez!

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    Senior Member Abraham Lincoln's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SeptimalTritone View Post
    What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

    "See you next month!"
    Coincidentially, I just happen to be on my period.

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    Senior Member elgars ghost's Avatar
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    Patient: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

    Doctor: Here's some cream for it.
    '...a violator of his word, a libertine over head and ears in debt and disgrace, a despiser of domestic ties, the companion of gamblers and demireps, a man who has just closed half a century without a single claim on the gratitude of his country or the respect of posterity...' - Leigh Hunt on the Prince Regent (later George IV).

    ὃν οἱ θεοὶ φιλοῦσιν ἀποθνῄσκει νέος [Those whom the gods love die young] - Menander

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    Senior Member Abraham Lincoln's Avatar
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    Why did J. S. Bach have so many children?

    He had no stops on his organ.

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    Senior Member Headphone Hermit's Avatar
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    From The Royle Family

    Doorbell rings.
    Jim Royle: "If that's the Invisible Man, tell him I can't see him"

    the old ones are the best?
    "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." Berlioz, 1856

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    Senior Member SixFootScowl's Avatar
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    What do you get if you cross an owl with a goat?

    A hootenanny
    “The media’s the most powerful entity on Earth. They have the power to make the innocent look guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that’s power. Because they control the mind of the masses.”
    --Malcolm X

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    Senior Member ldiat's Avatar
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    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
    CLASS: Maria.

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------

    AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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    Senior Member Stavrogin's Avatar
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    Dr. Celsius and Dr. Fahrenheit meet at an event of the Scientist Club.
    Fahrenheit: This place is so cold!
    Celsius: Nah, I'm fine.
    Listening to one another is an important thing in life. And music tells us how to do that. - Claudio Abbado

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    Senior Member geralmar's Avatar
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    From obscure 1950s TV detective show:

    "Mind if I smoke?"
    "I don't care if you burn."

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    Senior Member Lukecash12's Avatar
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    1. A cabby picks up a nun on Halloween night. As they drive through town he eyes her nervously from time to time, until she finally asks: "what is it, my son?"
    "Well, madame, I have to confess that I'd really like to kiss you, because I've never kissed a nun."
    "Tell me, are you a good catholic?"
    "Oh yes, I've been a good catholic man my whole life!"

    Without hesitating, the nun gives the cabby a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Less than a minute later, the cabby begins sobbing.

    "What's the matter?"
    "I feel terrible, because I'm not really catholic. In fact, I'm Jewish."
    "That's okay. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

    2. Some poor sod got sent to a concentration camp during the war. Upon arrival, he found that he was at least lucky enough to get there just in time for a bit of grub in the mess hall.

    While they were all eating, one of the inmates stood up and said: "24!" Immediately, every inmate and even a few guards started guffawing with tears in their eyes. Suddenly, another inmate stood up and said: "32!" That one brought the house down.

    Confused, he ate the rest of his meal and resolved to ask one of his cellmates what had happened, later. When asked about it, the fella sharing a bunk with him said: "Oh, we've all heard the same jokes so many times that we just numbered them. You say the number, and everyone remembers it and laughs. We've been here a long time, you know."

    The next day, when they sat down to their only meal, it wasn't long before someone stood up and said: "3!" That one was so good that not even a single guard could keep a straight face. Summoning up a little courage, he decided to stand up himself, and timidly said: "Ummm... 51." The silence was deafening. Before he had even sat down, another inmate was telling a joke, and everyone was eating it up.

    Later that night, he asked his new friend what the problem was. His friend responded: "Well, some guys can tell a joke, and some guys just can't."

    Sorry they weren't so short, but they were pretty stupid.
    Last edited by Lukecash12; Feb-15-2016 at 18:27.
    There is no wealth like knowledge, no poverty like ignorance.
    Nahj ul-Balāgha by Ali bin Abu-Talib

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    Senior Member TxllxT's Avatar
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    Three presidential candidates share the plane and are flying over America. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Bernie, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. His arm is completely burnt. 'OK, we're above Death Valley'. The fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Hillary, 'I'll find out'. She opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out her arm and pulls it back. Her arm is completely frozen. 'OK, we're above Alaska'. They fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Donald, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. Nothing happened. 'OK, we're above New York'. Bernie and Hillary look at him and ask: 'How do you know?' 'Well', Donald says, 'They just stole my watch'.
    All we like sheep

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    "Do you smoke after intercourse ?"

    "Dunno, never payed any attention to it"

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