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Patient: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

Doctor: Here's some cream for it.
 

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------

AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 

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1. A cabby picks up a nun on Halloween night. As they drive through town he eyes her nervously from time to time, until she finally asks: "what is it, my son?"
"Well, madame, I have to confess that I'd really like to kiss you, because I've never kissed a nun."
"Tell me, are you a good catholic?"
"Oh yes, I've been a good catholic man my whole life!"

Without hesitating, the nun gives the cabby a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Less than a minute later, the cabby begins sobbing.

"What's the matter?"
"I feel terrible, because I'm not really catholic. In fact, I'm Jewish."
"That's okay. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

2. Some poor sod got sent to a concentration camp during the war. Upon arrival, he found that he was at least lucky enough to get there just in time for a bit of grub in the mess hall.

While they were all eating, one of the inmates stood up and said: "24!" Immediately, every inmate and even a few guards started guffawing with tears in their eyes. Suddenly, another inmate stood up and said: "32!" That one brought the house down.

Confused, he ate the rest of his meal and resolved to ask one of his cellmates what had happened, later. When asked about it, the fella sharing a bunk with him said: "Oh, we've all heard the same jokes so many times that we just numbered them. You say the number, and everyone remembers it and laughs. We've been here a long time, you know."

The next day, when they sat down to their only meal, it wasn't long before someone stood up and said: "3!" That one was so good that not even a single guard could keep a straight face. Summoning up a little courage, he decided to stand up himself, and timidly said: "Ummm... 51." The silence was deafening. Before he had even sat down, another inmate was telling a joke, and everyone was eating it up.

Later that night, he asked his new friend what the problem was. His friend responded: "Well, some guys can tell a joke, and some guys just can't."

Sorry they weren't so short, but they were pretty stupid.
:p
 

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Three presidential candidates share the plane and are flying over America. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Bernie, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. His arm is completely burnt. 'OK, we're above Death Valley'. The fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Hillary, 'I'll find out'. She opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out her arm and pulls it back. Her arm is completely frozen. 'OK, we're above Alaska'. They fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Donald, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. Nothing happened. 'OK, we're above New York'. Bernie and Hillary look at him and ask: 'How do you know?' 'Well', Donald says, 'They just stole my watch'.
 

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The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor said,

"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." He went on,

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments one of the men slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?”
 

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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ? Fish !

What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croaka- Cola !

What's the difference between a fox and a dog ? About five drinks .

What happens to a for that's parked illegally ? It gets toad away !

How many college freshmen does it take to change a light bulb . They don't learn this until their sophomore year .
 
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