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Stupidest jokes (must be short and seemly)

232K views 2K replies 165 participants last post by  Optimus Primus 
#1 ·
A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.

Bartender says, "Why certainly sir, but...did you notice you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"

Pirate says, "Arghhh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"

I lied about the seemly part.
 
#6 ·
Patient: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

Doctor: Here's some cream for it.
 
#10 ·
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------

AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
#13 · (Edited)
1. A cabby picks up a nun on Halloween night. As they drive through town he eyes her nervously from time to time, until she finally asks: "what is it, my son?"
"Well, madame, I have to confess that I'd really like to kiss you, because I've never kissed a nun."
"Tell me, are you a good catholic?"
"Oh yes, I've been a good catholic man my whole life!"

Without hesitating, the nun gives the cabby a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Less than a minute later, the cabby begins sobbing.

"What's the matter?"
"I feel terrible, because I'm not really catholic. In fact, I'm Jewish."
"That's okay. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

2. Some poor sod got sent to a concentration camp during the war. Upon arrival, he found that he was at least lucky enough to get there just in time for a bit of grub in the mess hall.

While they were all eating, one of the inmates stood up and said: "24!" Immediately, every inmate and even a few guards started guffawing with tears in their eyes. Suddenly, another inmate stood up and said: "32!" That one brought the house down.

Confused, he ate the rest of his meal and resolved to ask one of his cellmates what had happened, later. When asked about it, the fella sharing a bunk with him said: "Oh, we've all heard the same jokes so many times that we just numbered them. You say the number, and everyone remembers it and laughs. We've been here a long time, you know."

The next day, when they sat down to their only meal, it wasn't long before someone stood up and said: "3!" That one was so good that not even a single guard could keep a straight face. Summoning up a little courage, he decided to stand up himself, and timidly said: "Ummm... 51." The silence was deafening. Before he had even sat down, another inmate was telling a joke, and everyone was eating it up.

Later that night, he asked his new friend what the problem was. His friend responded: "Well, some guys can tell a joke, and some guys just can't."

Sorry they weren't so short, but they were pretty stupid.
:p
 
#14 ·
Three presidential candidates share the plane and are flying over America. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Bernie, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. His arm is completely burnt. 'OK, we're above Death Valley'. The fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Hillary, 'I'll find out'. She opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out her arm and pulls it back. Her arm is completely frozen. 'OK, we're above Alaska'. They fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Donald, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. Nothing happened. 'OK, we're above New York'. Bernie and Hillary look at him and ask: 'How do you know?' 'Well', Donald says, 'They just stole my watch'.
 
#16 ·
The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor said,

"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." He went on,

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments one of the men slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?”
 
#19 ·
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ? Fish !

What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croaka- Cola !

What's the difference between a fox and a dog ? About five drinks .

What happens to a for that's parked illegally ? It gets toad away !

How many college freshmen does it take to change a light bulb . They don't learn this until their sophomore year .
 
#21 ·
How many company directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to write reports on how expendable the last one was.

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

Six.

Why six?

'COS IT JUST DOES, OK?!
 
#23 · (Edited)
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

A banker, a politician and a teacher are having lunch. The waiter brings over 100 after dinner cookies. The banker immediately eats one of the cookies, stuffing 98 more of them in every available pocket of his clothing, comically bulging and overflowing, and likely inedible. The politician and teacher eye each other over the last cookie. The banker pushes some crumbs over to the politician, leans over, and says, "if you can get me that cookie, there's more where that came from."
 
#27 · (Edited)
Where did Montezuma go to college?
Az Tech.

Medical authorities claim that it is safer to sleep on the right side only. They claim that it is injurious to health to lie on both sides. But it doesn't seem to do lawyers any harm.

An old cottager went into a shop and asked for four dozen mothballs.
'But,' said the shop assistant, 'you bought four dozen mothballs only yesterday.'
'I know,' said the cottager, 'but those moths are blooming hard to hit...'

A country bumpkin went to London & found himself on the Underground late at night. Seeing a notice DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR, he moaned to himself, 'Where the heck am I going to find a dog at this time of night?'
 
#28 · (Edited)
[To be recounted with appropriate Scottish brogue] A sergeant-major walks into the chemist's shop and produces a lambskin condom full of holes. "Sir, I need this repaired or replaced." The chemist inspects it and says, "I can repair this for fourpence or give you a new one for eightpence." "Thank you, sir," says the seregeant-major. "I'll be back next week."

Sure enough, a week later the sergeant major walks in again. "Sir, the regiment has voted to replace it."
 
#29 · (Edited)
This appeared in 'Viz' many years ago, but it's probably much older than that.



And one from real life:

Rather pompous consultant surgeon, with entourage of 6 medical students:

Surgeon: "So you've had a urine infection, my man?"
Elderly farmer (not intimidated) "Aye, I have"
Surgeon: "You have pain passing water, then?"
Farmer: "Aye"
Surgeon: "And does your p**** burn at the tip?"
Farmer: "I dinna ken. I've never tried to light it"

(Medical students all try to keep a straight face!)
 
#30 · (Edited)
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada Sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No ****" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
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