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Definitions:
* upbeat: a threat made to singers, i.e. sing, or else....
* crescendo: a reminder to the singer that he has been singing too loudly.
* conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
* transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
* vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are out of tune.
* coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
* bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
* cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
* lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
* music: a complex organisations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
* treble: women ain't nothin' but.
* bass: the things you run around in rounders.
* clef: what you try never to fall off of.
* major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
* audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
* Agnus Dei: a famous female church composer.
* metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
* interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1. Major interval: a long time.
2. Minor interval: a few bars.
3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
 

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Ten Commandments for Concert-goers
I​
Thou shalt hearken unto the music with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, to aid thee in thine endeavor. Study thou thy programme notes and thereby be sore fully prepared to garner the blessings of the inspired melodies which are about to be sounded.
II​
Thou shalt not arrive late, for the stir of thy coming disturbeth those who did come in due season; neither shalt thou rush forth as a great wind at intermission time or before the end of the programme; nor shalt thou trample to thy left nor thy right the ushers or the doormen or the multitudes that are about thee.
III​
Thou shalt keep in check thy coughings and thy sneezings for they are an abomination, and they shall bring forth evil execrations upon thee and upon thy household, even unto the third and fourth generations.
IV​
Thou shalt not rustle thy programme, for the noise thereof is not as the murmur of the leaves of the forest but brash and raucous and soothest not.
V​
Thou shalt not yahoo unto thy relatives, nor unto thy friends, nor unto any member of thy club or of thy household, nor unto any of thy neighbours.
VI​
Thou shalt not whisper, for thy mouthings, howsoever hushed they may be, bring discord to the ear of those who sit about thee.
VII​
Thou shalt not chew with great show of sound or motion. Remember that thou art not as the kine of the meadow who do chew the cud in the pastoral serenity which is vouchsafed them.
VIII​
Thou shalt not direct thy index finger at persons of public note and say unto thy neighbour, "Yonder goeth so and so," but reflect that some day thou shalt perchance be a celebrity, and thou shalt be in great discomfort when thou art pointed at and thou shalt not be pleased one jot or tittle thereby.
IX​
Thou shalt not slumber, for in thy stupor thou hast ears and heareth not; peradventure thou possesseth a rumbling obbligato when thou sleepeth and, verily, the rabble may be aroused thereby to do thee grievous harm.
X​
Thou shalt not become a self-ordained music critic and with booming voice comment garrulously about the players or the playing; neither shalt thou hum, or tap thy foot; for thou hast come as a listener and a lover of music, not as a critic nor as a performer, and remember that none among the multitudes has paid to hear thy hummings or thy tappings or to listen unto thine opinions.
 

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I don't know if this has been posted:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility
 

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This isn't really a classical music joke but it's too funny not to put up .

Two explorers were walking through the jungle in an area known to be inhabited by cannibals .
As they walked along , the incesant sound of beating Tom-Tom drums was growing louder and
louder from the distance . One explorer, sweating , said to the other "I sure don't like the sound of those drums ".
Suddenly , the head of a cannibal poked through the bush and says "Hey, he's not our regular drummer ! "






:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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A music lover took his date to a performance of Beethoven's Ninth symphony. It was his date's first concert experience.

In the last movement, there's a period of about 20 minutes where the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, a handful of the bassists slipped offstage and went to a tavern, just across the alley from the artist's entrance to the hall.

After slamming several boilermakers down in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said another player, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a while to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places.

To the date of the concertgoer, new though she was, she sensed something wrong, a tension on stage. She turned to her date and said, "It seems like something is wrong up there, the conductor is looking a bit edgy, or tense."

Her date said, "Well, of course! Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
 

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I'm going to try my hand at this. Imagine you're at a comedy night show...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Bach: There was more than one road.

Beethoven: To get to the other side. Oh, and by the way...

Wagner: To get to the other side, eventually.

Schoenberg: To get to the other side. .edis rehto het ot teg oT (backwards and upside-down) To get to the other side, etc.

Glass: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side. (etc., etc.)

Cage: It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road. Any road would have done just as well. In fact, it's better not to know where you're going...
 

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A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."


Q: What did one violist say to the other violist?
A: “Hi, we’re both violists.”

Q: What do you do if you're short a violist?
A: Have someone drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.
 

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A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

Q: What did one violist say to the other violist?
A: "Hi, we're both violists."

Q: What do you do if you're short a violist?
A: Have someone drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.
We used to tell Viola jokes all the time when I was a teenager.
:) Thanks for bringing back memories.

The only ones I can remember.

Q. What do you call a non-musician who hangs around a String Quartet
A. The Viola Player.

And did you hear about the Viola Player who asked for that famous Beethoven piece that begins with a trill - Fur Elise
 

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Thus it was that Herr Weghe and his plans to conquer the world were thwarted, not least by Mark's Aunt-Won Shar-Pei Ti-Yay...

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
~Bangs head slowly against wall!~ groan.
 
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What can I say? I'm a visual artist (photographer) first (I like pictures), musician second...and I like puns...

Sorry, I'll go sit in a corner now.
 

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I'm going to try my hand at this. Imagine you're at a comedy night show...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Bach: There was more than one road.

Beethoven: To get to the other side. Oh, and by the way...

Wagner: To get to the other side, eventually.

Schoenberg: To get to the other side. .edis rehto het ot teg oT (backwards and upside-down) To get to the other side, etc.

Glass: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side. (etc., etc.)

Cage: It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road. Any road would have done just as well. In fact, it's better not to know where you're going...
I don't understand the Beethoven one.
 

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A violist and a trumpet player were having a conversation. The trumpet player bragged. "I'm a trumpet player." The violist had to look in his own case to make certain.

What's the difference between a fashion photographer and a trumpet player? The fashion photographer says "Hi, I'm better than you..." hey wait a minute...so does the trumpet player.

A Bassoon player and a wildlife photographer were going to a wedding gig...what does the trumpet player do? Shake 'em awake...they were dreaming.

What's the difference between a school portrait photographer and a percussionist? Nothing they both drag their knuckles and drool on the carpet.
 
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Math Test for Orchestra Members

(From conductor Gary Berkson, Stockholm)

Georgine is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before she is fired from her job? If not, calculate the probability of her ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again. 42

Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation:
(Total days in the orchestra) x .000976
Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass? 42

Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances in 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors a year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians? 42

Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years? 42

Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected? 42

Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live? 42

Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss? 42
42 is the answer to everything. Wolfram Alpha told us so...

This list is too funny. I especially got a chuckle from the names of conductor and orchestra! Thanks :)
What's even funnier is if you print the list out on Word and hand it to a neophyte and tell him to go to a record store and find those recordings.
 

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This anecdote is a Reddit response to the request to tell a good TSA confiscation story.

I don't work for the TSA but a while ago, I had a really weird (or just stupid depending on who you asked) sense of humor. Long story short: I glued a computer keyboard onto my trombone case. I just glued a qwerty on my case. A Harmless Conversation Starter, if you will. I'd had it for a couple months when i decide to go visit family. I'll bring my trombone! Great idea! But when I get to security... Here's how it all went down
I start seeing TSA and I slowly realize why this is bad. The keyboard is to my leg as I hold it so noone can really see it. I manage to get to the X-ray without a problem and its looking good. It's on the belt. Fits though the hole and I'm hoping the X-ray lady sees that the keyboard serves no function and there are no bomb wires running through my case. Fingers crossed. But when she looks at me and uses her radio I know what she saw. I forgot about the mechanical lyre. The 3 or 4 bottles of slide oil and cream. And the 3 feet of metal coiled cleaning wire. So this thing looks like bomb central.
That's when a TSA miraculously appeared. Like they only pulled him out for special occasions because he wasn't anywhere in the terminal when I got there. And I can see why. This gentleman is 6'6 and probably 230lb of mostly muscle. He grabs me and brings me into that "additional screening" room. (I feel like this is a good time to mention I'm a nerdy overweight 16 year old band geek) So he starts interviewing me which is basically just going back and fourth between "why do you have that?" "I don't know" "Is it yours?" "Yeah but I just thought it'd be funny" "Why do you have that?" All the while Im watching TSA agents tear apart my case and what looks like mess up my trombone, but they literally can't get past the keyboard. They took my everything out of the case so all that's left is a keyboard and black cloth and they just kept swiping it with that bomb detection cloth. For like 5 minutes I watched a fat TSA lady with the most concentrated face and two pairs of gloves wipe every book and cranny on my case
Needless to say, I'm absolutely freaking out and that's when the big dude leaves and an old gray haired guy comes in and explains that I'm not gonna be able to take my "object". And I'm lucky he's gonna let me fly at all.
tl;dr Electonics and Musical Instruments are on the no fly list. But only together.
 
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